whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
