I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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