Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
