I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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