We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have feelings that need drinking.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
