Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
