its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
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He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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