"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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