Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
