To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
