Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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