My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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