Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
