I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
