I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
