News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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