My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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