Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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