I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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