just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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