stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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