Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
