I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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