I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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