he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
