So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
