i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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