She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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