my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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