11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She bit a glass in half.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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