i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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