I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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