I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
