it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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