dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
