I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
