tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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