YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
