apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
