Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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