So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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