I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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