if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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