Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
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The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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