me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
