her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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