if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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