I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
