Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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