I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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