Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
