oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
where are my eyebrows?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
