he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
