how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
where are my eyebrows?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
