does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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