did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
