I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
