I looked at my own cervix.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
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She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
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nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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