You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
