Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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