First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
