We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
